Tonight the Monkey came home sick for the second time in a month after being with the Bio for only a two day stint. It breaks my heart. It’s the worst feeling putting to bed a child who is wound up from not getting a regular bedtime and being surrounded by folks who think of him as a commodity and not the amazing person he truly has become in the last six years.
All posts in Parenting with the Bio
This morning was the first time a few months that the Bio had to pick the Monkey up at our house. Since we added time to his weekend outside of the last court order, he’s been picking up the kiddo at school on Friday’s and dropping him off at school on Mondays, every other weekend. This morning felt like starting all over again. My heart sunk and my head moved quickly from scattered thought to scattered thought.
I was broken and now I’m not. While I know that flaws are all a part of the person and who they are, I remember fiver years ago when I hit rock bottom. Now I can recall how awful it felt to wake up in the morning. How I despised people who were in functioning relationships and raising a family. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking you suck.
This month has been full of ups and downs with the Bio and there will probably be more. I’m not silly in the head. I know that when he is unstable that it takes a while for him to rebound from that and come back around. In the past, I’ve made sure that I gave him enough room to be off his game if he needed to be and that always meant sacrificing something of me for him. Now that we have the Monkey, he’s old enough to express himself I just can’t allow it.
My birthday is coming up. Ugh. No, I’m not one of those people who hates celebrating birthdays. I used to love my birthday. But for the last ten years, during the time around my birthday, historically something has gone terribly wrong.